HARRY POTTER AND THE GAY MEN
by royalsprinkles
Summary: This is something that I thought of and couldn't get out of my head. AND THIS IS GONNA BE THE FIRST CRACK WITH CHAPTER YEY.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: THIS IS REALLY BAD OTL.

It was the beginning of a new year at England's most magical school, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry; little did its students and teachers know that it was about to get even more openly and flamboyantly gay.

England was pacing angrily around his Prime Minister's office, his very hairy and untrimmed forehead beards furrowed in indignation. Oh, and Mr. Obama was there too, because America had done something stupid; again. Arthur kept throwing angry glances at the two men every once and awhile, and he was furious about what he knew was about to happen, and if he could ANYTHING at all to stop it-

"So it's settled then, amirite?" Mr. Obama asked, "It's agreed that as punishment my country will have to stay in the same building as yours for a whole one of your school years?"

"I suppose so. They'll be staying at Hogwarts, of course, 'cause that place is pretty frikken awesome. I mean, they have to deal with weird shit every day, so it'll be a lot easier for the students to accept them."

"Ok! Alfie will be over and ready by this time tomorrow!" Mr. President said, and dashed off back to his country. Cause he can do shit like that.

"Well, glad that's settled," the Prime Minister said, and acting very British like, he sat down and began to pour himself a cup of tea.

"YOU ARE THE WORST PRIME MINISTER EVER," England shouted after a few minutes, fuming. "WHY DID MY PEOPLE HAVE TO VOTE FOR YOUR SORRY ARSE- I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND THOSE BLOODY WANKERS- !" Arthur shouted, and continued to say more British curses at random intervals.

"But, Mr. Kirkland," the Prime Minister interrupted politely, because he's British like that, "Mr. Obama and I _forgot_ to mention that this particular school you are going to is none other than a _school of Magic."_

England stopped mid-tirade, "M-Magic?" he asked, dumbfounded. He then got a boner thinking about all the gay magic things he can do at that school.

"I can't wait to go!" he said.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: THIS IS REALLLYYYY SHORT OTL**

"BUT MR. OBAMA IF I GO TO THIS SCHOOL THINGY THEY WON'T HAVE HAMBURGERS," America sobbed, tears flowing dramatically from his eyes as the full realization of what his President just said hit him.

"Now Alfred," Mr. Obama said, "First off, you don't know that, and secondly, this is for your own damned good."

"I''TMAKEMEGOOOOO," Alfred shouted, flinging himself on Mr. Obama's feet.

"Alfred," Mr. Obama said sternly, "Stop acting like such a child. And please be more dignified, heroes aren't supposed to be big babies."

America stood up, "YOU'RE RIGHT," he shouted in a manly voice.

"GOOD. Now, go get ready, Air Force One is leaving in…5 minutes ago. OSHIT," Mr. Obama said, "WE GOTTA GO DOOD."

"BUT YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT CAN'T YOU STOP IT?"

"NO. QUICK, DASH WITH ME."

So America and Mr. Obama dashed off to Iggy's house.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N-**

**Sorrrryyyyy for taking forever on this, everyone, I've been busy with school. :I Anyways, Iggy and Alfie shoulddd be arriving at Hogwarts in the next chapter or two...depends on whether or not I make them short. :U**

* * *

America and Mr. Obama had arrived right on schedule, because obviously they can dash at the same speed as Air Force One, duh. Both of them were in the Prime Minister's office, along with , England's Minister of Magic. America was once again sobbing dramatically, upon hearing the fact that he was going to spend an ENITRE FRIKKEN YEAR with that stoopid Brit and his stupid forehead beards and his stupid tea-loving, sexy-waitering, flamboyantly gay self. Even though secretly it turned him on. Oh, and Alfie still had NOOOOO idea what the hell he did to deserve such a horrible punishment. Maybe it was because he was selling his addictive weed tea (which comprised of pot, crack cocaine, heroin, and a bunch of other drug crap. And remember kiddies, drugs are bad) to the damned Brits, causing them to get MEGA-HIGH and do stupid American things. BUT THAT COULDN'T BE IT.

"Now, in order to cause less confusion for the students," Fudge stated, jerking Alfred out of his reverie, "The Headmaster and I have decided to "pre-sort" you or something retarded like that,because the students would be all like "WTF ARE THOSE OLD DUDES DOIN' GETTING' SORTED" and stuff. SO, we have decided that you, Alfred, will be placed in Gryffindor, while Arthur will be in Slytherin. Because the author likes clichés like that."

"Is this Gryffindor place thing where the heroes go?" America asked.

"Yes," Mr. Obama said, silently preparing himself for America's coming reaction.

"YES!" America shouted in pure joy, all sadness quickly forgotten. Glasses shattered, and the Prime Minister's and Fudge's ears started shooting out blood in all directions, that's how powerfulAlfie's scream was. After screaming, Alfred was subdued with a fit of very loud laughter, occasionally interjection his obnoxious laugh with words such as "HEROOOOO" and "AWESOME."

"OK. Get this bloody wanker out of my office," The Prime Minister said, turning his back on the lot.


	4. A NOTE TO THE DEAREST READERS

OMG BROS, I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED THIS STORY IN LIKE 6 MONTHS OR SOMETHING. I REALLY REALLY TRULY HONESTLY AM.

It's just, augh, I've been in a spiraling depression, and I've had the worst writer's block ever with this, not to mention my computer has a fucking virus and I can't access the current chapter I'm working on and the list goes on and on and on.

So, this story has been put on hiatus until I get my Crack Muse again. And my computer fixed, and maybe some happy pills.

You don't know how sorry I am, seriously, please forgive me. 3

You guys are the best ever. (the few that have actually added this story to their alerts and stuff, wait, I can't remember, has ANYONE added this to their alerts?)

Again, I'm really, REALLY sorry.

Love, Captain Awesome (royalsprinkles) 


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